Joke me up baby Options

[james]

I heard a couple of jokes recently which made me laugh - but I want more! Post your (good) jokes here, I wish to be amused.

My efforts:

Kate Moss bumps into Jeremy Clarkson on a night out and asks "what do you do?"
Jeremy replies "I do Top Gear.."
"Superb" says Kate "I'll have 4 Grams!"

and

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[Inspector Weasel]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

* 2 litres of low fat milk
* a carton of eggs
* 2 litres of orange juice
* a head of lettuce
* half a dozen tomatoes
* a 500g jar of coffee
* a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know
what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"





The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."