Joke me up baby Options

[james]

I heard a couple of jokes recently which made me laugh - but I want more! Post your (good) jokes here, I wish to be amused.

My efforts:

Kate Moss bumps into Jeremy Clarkson on a night out and asks "what do you do?"
Jeremy replies "I do Top Gear.."
"Superb" says Kate "I'll have 4 Grams!"

and

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[Inspector Weasel]

Apologies if you have seen this one......haven't been online for a while!
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me. I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...
You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough, For me to satisfy your physical needs as a man"
>
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the
bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep,>
The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big Unnamed dept.store. I walked around with her while she tried on several Different
very expensive outfits, She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, So I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery dept, Where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings, Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear,
let's go to the cashier" I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile...You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough, for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
* Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either