Joke me up baby Options

[james]

I heard a couple of jokes recently which made me laugh - but I want more! Post your (good) jokes here, I wish to be amused.

My efforts:

Kate Moss bumps into Jeremy Clarkson on a night out and asks "what do you do?"
Jeremy replies "I do Top Gear.."
"Superb" says Kate "I'll have 4 Grams!"

and

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[Inspector Weasel]

Two Irishmen in London whilst looking for work were strolling down Oxford
Street. After walking for a few minutes, Paddy turns to Murphy with a look
of amazement on his face and says:

"Murphy, will you have a look at that shop over there, I thought that London
was supposed to be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips!"

Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are, will you have a look at that.
Suits £10.00, Shirts £4.00, Trousers £5.00, I think that we should buy the
lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them
in Dublin so we would."

Paddy says in agreement: "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever
have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay taxes and duty on things like
that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks we're gonna
export them and make our fortune, so he won't.

Murphy thinks and says: "Paddy, I've got an idea! You can do the best
English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and
I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish.
No he won't."

"OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and
look English."

So the 2 visitors to the illustrious capital city go into the shop, where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then proceeds to do his best Warren Mitchell impression; "Awwwight Guvnor, I'll `ave 20 of yer `Whistle'un Flutes', 20 `Dickie Dirts' and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind, I'll be paying with the 380 `Pictures of the Queen in my `Sky Rocket'."

Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles, takes a look at
Murphy as well then says to Paddy "You're Irish aren't you?"

Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh be Jesus. Mary mother of Christ, if that
ain't me best English accent? How in God's name did you know that we were
Irish?"




"This is a Dry Cleaners"