Joke time Options

[james]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"


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A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring a t him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to. Shaking him the big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn AROUND!"

[james]

Three men die on Christmas Eve and are met by
St Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," says Saint Peter,
"You must each possess something that symbolises
Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man goes through his pockets and
pulls out a lighter, flicks it on,
saying, "It represents a candle."
"You may pass through the pearly gates,"
says St Peter.

The second man pulls out a set of keys, shakes
them and says, "They're bells."
St Peter lets him pass.

The third man looks desperate and finally pulls
a g-string from his pocket. St. Peter looks
quizzical and asks, "Just how do those
symbolise Christmas?"

The man replies, "They're Carols."

[Inspector Weasel]

WOMAN'S DIARY:
Thursday 20th Sept 2005

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so
thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere
quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested
we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I
just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he
hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the
matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I
put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just
gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he
did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and
a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and
that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.



MAN'S DIARY:
Thursday, 20th September 2005

Spurs lost to Grimsby. Gutted. Got a shag though