A couple of jokes Options

[james]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.


The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the foetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.


But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage his crotch. She then asked him: "How does that feel?" To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

---

Things I've Learned From My Children...





For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
READ to the end!! The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin , Texas :

Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3 year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Playdough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on--plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin , TX , has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid...

[Emily]

First joke made me laugh for ages
But the only way your getting out of having kids is by getting me a puppy









....or a Pink Gun

This post has been edited by Emily: Jun 22 2004, 07:11 PM

[Egg Designer]

Do not ever have kids - period.

Your world turns to poo, you can no longer stay to the end of an evening out, just popping out involves a bag the size of an everest expedition, your home is NEVER tidy, friends stop calling because your partner constantly talks about the kids, swearing out loud has major repurcissions that can embarrass you weeks later, all of your favourite possesions become good throwing toys, no matter how delicate. 2 seater cars are the devils work, and sleep is not a regular event.

Take this as a warning folks - get a fecking puppy instead

[neil]

Methinks all may not be well in the McVeigh household.........

[Doctor]

I admit the man sounds a tad tired and stressed, but kids exude wierd pheromones that make their parents happy to put up with all the evil described above; whilst to us barren folk their domestic situation sounds like a hell and shit sandwich, they will be blissfully happy at all times. Apparently.

Makes me laugh, because people keep telling me I should be getting on with having kids etc despite the fact that very idea gives me explosive diaorrhea, but when I voice the opinion that I'd rather eat a pound of slugs they say "AHHHH, but you'll meet the right woman and all that will change."

WTF??? Who is this woman and how will she ensnare me? I have visions of a big shiny table and a brain operation, as this is the only thing that might get me wanting creatures that poop and scream 24/7 anywhere near me for more than a weekend at a time. (It's at this point all the Dads around start saying things like "I used to say that as well" whilst fingering their scarred temporal lobes. You're not changing my mind, you're proving my point!)
If anyone sees me walking around with a pushchair and a lobotomised expression, kill me immediately. If anyone sees the evil "right woman" creeping up behind me with a blackjack and a turkey baster , for God's sake don't just spark up and enjoy the show. I don't have to meet the right woman; I'd settle for about half a dozen wrong 'uns. On top of a big cheesecake. Mmmm, woman flavour cheesecake.

Anyway, good for you Rory, keep yer chin up and give the little one a big hug from me. You can show me the scar on your brain next time we meet.

[Egg Designer]

wibble

[Niall]

My kids have never managed to puke over my ceiling......But Jeff Abbot did.

[neil]

I thought Jeff was one of your kids.......?????