Joke me up baby Options

[james]

I heard a couple of jokes recently which made me laugh - but I want more! Post your (good) jokes here, I wish to be amused.

My efforts:

Kate Moss bumps into Jeremy Clarkson on a night out and asks "what do you do?"
Jeremy replies "I do Top Gear.."
"Superb" says Kate "I'll have 4 Grams!"

and

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[Inspector Weasel]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

* 2 litres of low fat milk
* a carton of eggs
* 2 litres of orange juice
* a head of lettuce
* half a dozen tomatoes
* a 500g jar of coffee
* a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know
what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"





The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[Inspector Weasel]

This seriously will make you laugh out loud till you cry, read with caution!

ONE WOMAN'S TALE OF WOE

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - the epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

"Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss.
How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin
extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the was strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. [censored]!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
[censored]! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DANG!!!!!!!!

I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe
it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, my dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need
Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

[Inspector Weasel]

Can I sleep in your bed tonight with you and mummy?" asks baby balloon to father balloon.

Father balloon explains to baby balloon that he is getting too old and too big to be sleeping in
the same bed as mummy and daddy and tucks him in and kisses him night in his own bed.


During the night when mummy and daddy balloons are a sleep baby balloon tries to squeeze
himself into bed with mummy and daddy, but there is no room. So hedecides to release some
air out of mummy balloon, but still no room. He then releases some air from daddy balloon
but there is still no room. So he then releases some air from himself which allows enough room
from him to snuggle in bed between his mummy and daddy. In the morning daddy balloon isn't
impressed.

"What did I tell you? You had to sleep in your own bed, you've been very naughty.






You've let your mum down, you've let me down and most of all you've let yourself down!"

[Inspector Weasel]

Apologies if you have seen this one......haven't been online for a while!
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me. I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...
You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough, For me to satisfy your physical needs as a man"
>
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the
bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep,>
The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big Unnamed dept.store. I walked around with her while she tried on several Different
very expensive outfits, She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, So I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery dept, Where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings, Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear,
let's go to the cashier" I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile...You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough, for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
* Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either

[Inspector Weasel]

A young lady goes to her GP for a check-up.
"By the way doctor", she says "My boyfriend has dandruff. Is there anything you can suggest?"
"Why don't you just give him Head & Shoulders?" he replies.
After a short pause, she says "How do you give shoulders?"

[Inspector Weasel]

A man rings his local paper so he can place an obituary for his recently deceased wife.
He only has £1, and for that he can only get three words. He asks the clerk if he can just put: Margaret is dead.
The clerk explains to him that this probably isn't enough and, taking pity on him, offers him six words for his £1.
So the bereaved man writes his new notice: Margaret is dead. Mazda for sale.

[Inspector Weasel]

A man walks into the doctors with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.

The doc asks "Whats wrong with you"

The man replies "I dunno but its driving me nuts"

[Inspector Weasel]

a man shopping in tesco notices a blonde woman staring at him, she then waves at him so he walks over and says "do i know you"
she replies "i think you might be the dad of one of my children "
he casts his mind back to the only time he'd been unfaithful and says
"are you the stripper from my stag night who i shagged over the snooker table while you're mate stuck her fanny in my face" ?




" NO i'm you're sons english teacher "

[Inspector Weasel]

A bloke goes to the doctors,

doc) ' and what seems to be the matter with you Mr Smith '

ms) ' I can't pronounce my T's, F's or H's '

doc) ' well you cant say fairer than that '

[james]

That waxing story is some funny shit - more!

[Egg Designer]

A man walks into a pub carrying an octopus under his arm, and orders a drink, curiosity gets the better of the barman, and he asks the chap why he is carrying the octopus.

'Oh, this is my musical octopus, he plays any instrument known to man' replies the drinker.

Stunned the barman says 'Really!! well I bet he can't play my 12 string guitar!'

'50 quid says he can!' says the chap, and the guitar is fetched and handed to the octopus, who in a flailing of his limbs starts to strum out the most exquisite flamenco tune.

'Blimey!' syas the stunned barmen as he hands over his money!

'I bet he cant play my trumpet!' shouts another chap sitting down the bar.

'100 quid says he can!' says the chap, this time.

The man brings over his trumpet and in another thrashing of tentacles, starts to parp out tunes like Dizzy Gillespie.

The man pays his £100.00 and moves off.

' I bet he canny play me bagpipes!!' shouts the drunk Scotsman in the corner.

'£200 says he can!' cries the more confident man.

The Scot hands over his pipes to the excited octopus who the starts beating them on the ground, and jumpig up and down on them.

Startled the guy looks at his pet and says 'Play them!! you're going to cost me 200 quid here!!!'

The octopus looks up at his owner and answers 'Play them? I'm gonna fuck them once I got the pyjamas off!!!!!'




I thank you.........

This post has been edited by Egg Designer: Oct 7 2005, 12:37 AM

[Inspector Weasel]

Two Irishmen in London whilst looking for work were strolling down Oxford
Street. After walking for a few minutes, Paddy turns to Murphy with a look
of amazement on his face and says:

"Murphy, will you have a look at that shop over there, I thought that London
was supposed to be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips!"

Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are, will you have a look at that.
Suits £10.00, Shirts £4.00, Trousers £5.00, I think that we should buy the
lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them
in Dublin so we would."

Paddy says in agreement: "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever
have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay taxes and duty on things like
that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks we're gonna
export them and make our fortune, so he won't.

Murphy thinks and says: "Paddy, I've got an idea! You can do the best
English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and
I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish.
No he won't."

"OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and
look English."

So the 2 visitors to the illustrious capital city go into the shop, where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then proceeds to do his best Warren Mitchell impression; "Awwwight Guvnor, I'll `ave 20 of yer `Whistle'un Flutes', 20 `Dickie Dirts' and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind, I'll be paying with the 380 `Pictures of the Queen in my `Sky Rocket'."

Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles, takes a look at
Murphy as well then says to Paddy "You're Irish aren't you?"

Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh be Jesus. Mary mother of Christ, if that
ain't me best English accent? How in God's name did you know that we were
Irish?"




"This is a Dry Cleaners"

[Inspector Weasel]

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.
As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye.
"Just Released -New LP -Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make.
I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces,
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."
"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant.
"If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.
"I don't understand it", he says,
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"
"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."
Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.
Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."
"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."



This post has been edited by Inspector Weasel: Oct 16 2005, 05:36 PM

[campaign dinosaur]

Following questions and answers were collated from last year's British
GCSE exams(16 year olds)!

Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and
nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains
the
heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E,
I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas.

English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning.
A : Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A : Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology
Q : What is a turbine?
A : Something an Arab wears on his head.

Religious Education
Q: What is a Hindu?
A : It lays eggs.