Joke time Options

[james]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"


-------



A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring a t him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to. Shaking him the big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn AROUND!"

[paul]

Blimey they must have been dusty when you found them!

[Jeffers]

A man goes to the zoo

When he arrived there was only a dog

It was a Shitzu

[james]

That is a great one - I haven't told anyone that joke in the last 2 weeks who hasn't laughed (or tried really hard not to smile and failed) - sign of a classic

[Frase]

Whats yellow and runs off a 13amp plug?



George Best

[neil]

Armband Please! Dead box in the corner.......

[camsmith]

Apparently, Vietnam doesn't normally put up Christmas decorations, but this year they want to hang Glitter!

[camsmith]

The doctor had some bad news for George Best. He only had an hour left to live. The good news was that it is Happy Hour!

[neil]

An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have some fun, so he says to the Welshman "Can I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English git"

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?

Dog: "Doin' alright"

Villager: (Look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play"

Villager: (Look of disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. I don't think"

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (Absolutely dumfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often

and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements"

Villager: (Total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: (In a panic) "The sheep's a liar"

[Niall]

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit
you"

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge £100 an hour"

" Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky" "No problem" she
replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky"

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large
bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.."

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs
to
her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."

She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is
paying.

The sex is fantastic.

She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time
honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is
several minutes before she has recovered her breath.

Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call
that?"






"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"

[paul]

The other night I was invited for a night out with "the girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing that my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed) in order to avoid a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock". When I asked him why he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said 'Oh. Shit, then cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[james]

Three men die on Christmas Eve and are met by
St Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," says Saint Peter,
"You must each possess something that symbolises
Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man goes through his pockets and
pulls out a lighter, flicks it on,
saying, "It represents a candle."
"You may pass through the pearly gates,"
says St Peter.

The second man pulls out a set of keys, shakes
them and says, "They're bells."
St Peter lets him pass.

The third man looks desperate and finally pulls
a g-string from his pocket. St. Peter looks
quizzical and asks, "Just how do those
symbolise Christmas?"

The man replies, "They're Carols."

[Inspector Weasel]

WOMAN'S DIARY:
Thursday 20th Sept 2005

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so
thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere
quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested
we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I
just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he
hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the
matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I
put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just
gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he
did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and
a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and
that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.



MAN'S DIARY:
Thursday, 20th September 2005

Spurs lost to Grimsby. Gutted. Got a shag though

[paul]

MAN'S DIARY:
Thursday, 20th September 2005

Spurs lost to Grimsby. Gutted. Got a shag though

You had to use Spurs didn't you!!!!!!!!!!!

[neil]

Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got
run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'.

A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger.
He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it's worked for your
arse'.

My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his
patients, it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking
frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it
scared the s**t out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again.

Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'what's your mum
like?' Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'.

A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us
and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and
said ........ 'Burrr gurrr king'.

Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss say's 'I
have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....'You better jack off,
I've got a headache'.

Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst part
was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the
trouble started.

Paul McCartney poem-: We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a
quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.

Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a
dangerous mole removed from his penis...... he won't be shagging one of
those again!

It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5
kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where
the hell she is!

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of
tinsel.... They say it's only for the Christmas period.

A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her
pu**y. Doc say's 'that looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty?, it's just the tip
of the iceberg!

Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the
receptionist asks 'do you have reservations?' The bride answers 'Yes, I
won't take it up the ar**'



Ba-Doom-Tish!



THE WORLDS SHORTEST FAIRY TAIL


Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and
played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END