A major explosion and an earthquake measuring 2.8 on the Richter scale hit Hertfordshire in the early hours of yesterday with its epicentre in Hemel Hempstead. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "faaackinell".

The explosion decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of memento's from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Herts FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Hemel Hempstead. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning.

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, Burberry scarves and bone china from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
- Fila or Burberry baseball caps
- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
- Shell suites (female)
- White sport socks
- Gold chains and rings
- Rockport boots
- White plastic stilettoes
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
- Microwave meals
- Tins of baked beans
- Ice cream
- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
2 quid buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9 5 quid will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected. 10 quid will replace the precious jewellery Voucher book for the Co-op and Superdrug will be greatly received.

**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alcho-pop 'where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "St Albans" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"